BREAKING! California Appears to be Overpopulated!

What? I told you this wasn't a working vacation.

Oh, what the hell, let's go ahead and Blacklist the Santa Monica Pier for attracting every person in the greater Los Angeles area on Memorial Day. These throngs unfortunately seem to be the primary carriers of the skinny jeans epidemic, so please, hide your children.

California here we come (no, for real this time)!

For anyone who doesn't know (not many, seeing as how I can't seem to shut up about it), I'm off to Los Angeles for the long weekend. I'm quite excited, although the downside is that this will be the last update for roughly a week. Tragic, I know. Whilst walking the beach and hobnobbing with celebs, it's unlikely I will be thinking of the world's many, many problems or, perhaps more importantly, have a computer with me so I can tell you about them. I'm on vacation, dude. I could care less.

I'm guessing I'll have lots of ideas when I come back, though. Like how in California, they have a store devoted exclusively to cupcakes. Even if Jake Gyllenhaal does shop there, it's still undeniable proof of an overabundance of niches in the marketing sector and probably shouldn't exist.

But today in population complaints, I target...standardized test tutors. Seriously, what the hell? We have so many people taking these stupid things that tons of people get good scores. So many, in fact, that we have created an entire industry to specifically train our children to do well on them. God forbid we rely solely on grades, extracurricular activities, and personal recommendations to accept students into college. I'm still bitter that my school based scholarship awards on the lowest common denominator. In my case, that was my damned ACT score, and I didn't have a tutor. However, I graduated two years ago so maybe I should get over it.

Also, is that population counter on the sidebar freaking you out, yet? I can safely say I've hit the freak-out point. Jesus.

This week in crazy...cubicles!

So, it's hump day, and I should be spouting off important-sounding statistics but, erm, I sort of forgot to bring my almanac with me this morning. I had some really great numbers on the history and future of the universe, too, that were going to make you all feel really insignificant. Oh, I can hear the groans of disappointment from here! Next week, my friends! Quickly, let's switch subjects and talk about cubicles.

Obviously, we have reached that point in our growth as a species in which there are no longer enough individual offices to hold us all. In response, man created the cubicle, a separation device which gives the appearance of privacy but somehow manages to deindividualize its occupant. Think of a corporate headquarters as an ant colony. You have a queen ant/boss in upper management who has a birthing chamber/corner office from which all relevant decisions are made. The rest of the drones/employees really don't have a say and live out their lives mindlessly doing whatever tasks have been assigned to them. I don't work in such an office, but if I did, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't like it. Ants are designed by nature to function in such a capacity. Humans, not so much.

And for some reason all this just makes me think of Derek Zoolander, "What is this? A school for ANTS?!" Ha ha. That was great.

Speaking of phones...

When I got in the car this morning, the 29-second cell phone issue was still raging on the radio, complete with a local communications commissioner doing a very pathetic job of defending his actions. In fact, he was taking such a beating I was actually having a difficult time listening, so I cranked out the Jay-Z and Linkin Park until I got to work. I briefly turned back to the radio as I pulled in the parking lot and...yeah, I think maybe that whole thing was a hoax. If so, it wasn't very funny and it made a lot of people (me included) mad. I didn't have time to listen and confirm this, but good Lord. That's, like, the worst prank ever.

So...anyway, let's look at some phone facts I know to be true, because I got them out of Newsweek. So, America, did you know that you made 500 billion calls last year? On landlines alone? (God knows how many you made on you cell phones.) Those 500 billion calls amounted to 2 trillion minutes on the phone. The form of measurement known as "trillion" is very difficult for me to comprehend, as is the fact that the people in this country alone could rack up that many minutes. Sounds like too many people on the phone.

(Slightly) Off-Topic: Big Brother is Listening...

While I could easily blame the following complaint on the overabundance of people who can't drive and talk at the same time, as well as the number of people employed by the government's various communications departments, I'm not going to focus on that. No, friends, I'm going to focus on my bewilderment as I learned, driving to work this morning, that Memphis is a test city for a new system of trying to make people stop having horrible car crashes because they are talking on their cell phones. Today, in Memphis, if you are going 55 mph or faster and are talking on a cell phone, your call will be cut off after 29 seconds.

First of all, what's with the 29 seconds?

Secondly, it is clear to me that this is going to cause more problems than ever during the initial phases, as people not going to know why their calls are cutting off and in response will take their eyes off the road to try to figure out what the hell is wrong with their phone.

Thirdly, am I the only one who thinks it's creepy that the government is telling me how long my calls can be?

Fourthly, what's with this lame public safety announcement on the U.S. Census Bureau's website?

Fifthly, what if I was being chased by people trying to murder me and I was on the phone with the police?

Sixthly, why not just make cell phone usage in cars illegal? Inconvenient, yes, but it's a plan that actually makes sense, no? I'd comply.

And seventhly, is it wrong that I'm more concerned with the EIGHTY-FOUR members of Congress who were pulled over on suspicions of drunk driving in ONE YEAR (1998...I can't find any more recent numbers) than I am about this cell phone issue? Come on!

California, here we come!

The hard-working author who brings you The Overpopulation Blog five to seven times a week (not to be confused with Marissa Cooper, may she R.I.P.) was thinking recently about this site. "Self," I thought, "the content of this blog is pretty much the best I've ever seen, but I'm not seeing this same standard of excellence graphically." After much pondering, I was struck by inspiration: Why not revamp the site using a legally-questionable thematic rip-off of the popular primetime soap, "The O.C.?" Perfect!

Using only my own brilliance and Photoshop, I was able to achieve my goal. I scrapped together some old "O.C." promotional material and prayed to God I was not in copyright violation. I doubted this would be a problem, though, since the only people who come to this site are my dad, a couple of my close friends, and people from Jake Watch who get lost.

Why "The O.C.?" Because it's phonetically similar to "The O.P." And what do I think about when I hear the word "overpopulation?" China? India? Africa? Of course not. I'm an American. I rarely think outside my country's borders. Overpopulation = California. Here we come.

Off Topic: Poor Paul!

I felt I should take a day off for Paul McCartney, whom I consider to be a member of my extended family, because when he hurts, I hurt. Paul, I'm sorry that your marriage to Heather Mills has ended. I personally think you may have jumped into a serious relationship a little too soon after Linda's death; you were so upset and maybe you didn't give yourself time to heal. Also, you probably should not have hooked up with someone who hadn't listened to Beatles music, like, EVER. That's not actually normal. But I'm with you 100% however this goes. Despite your inhuman success, you've had a bit of a tragic life, and I hate to see you down. :( And while we're chatting, would it kill you to hit Memphis on your next World Tour? You know how old I was last time you were here? Eleven, dude. Eleven. Love ya, Paul!

Ya'll gonna make me act the fool!

I just used that title to get your attention. In reality, it's time for...

This Week in Crazy Statistics!

Yes, it's Wednesday, so it's time for me to pull out the old science almanac and make you feel really guilty about being part of the world's most destructive species.

I know you don't want to hear about it. You want more on prepackaged foods and celebrity babies. Well, consider this your weekly serving of vegetables. It's good for you, dammit.

Today's Topic: Mass Extinctions

Maybe you don't know about the cataclysmic mass extinctions that have defined biological history because your local school district, resources stretched to the max by a perenially-increasing student body, no longer requires x-number of science classes to be taken by all students. But that's where I come in, fool. The least you need to know:

Let's start with some numbers...
1. Estimated number of species on earth identified by science: 1.8 million
2. Estimated total species on earth: between 10 and 100 million
3. Number of known endangered/threatened species: 11,046
4. Number of species removed from endangered list in U.S. since 1978 (as of 2002): 25

So yeah, biodiversity? At its greatest point in ecological history...the downside being we're making sure to put an end to that. Across the eons of time, there have been roughly 6 mass extinctions in which huge percentages of species were wiped out, leading the way for those that survived to evolve and fill new niches. The last time this happened was 65 million years ago when that gi-normous meteorite wiped out the dinosaurs and about 50% of all species on earth. We're in the beginning stages of a mass extinction now, and it's our fault. Somehow "too many homo sapiens" doesn't have the same ring as "devastating impact of a large outer space object that blotted out the sun for two years."



Here's something for you: the oldest known fossilized vomit comes from a long-gone icthyosaur who dwelled in the sea and apparently ate some shellfish that didn't agree with him. That was about 160 million years ago. We didn't even have mammals back then, but his vomit survives. Am I the only one who finds this fascinating?!

Your Local News Coverage = Stupid

Local news is important. Obviously there are far too many stories of interest each day for Brian Williams to cover all of them in his neat half-hour broadcast. But the number of local reporters has swollen in recent years and, I'm sad to say, this has resulted in backstabbing competition between anchormen. There's nothing wrong with a little local competition, but things are getting out of hand. Instead of getting better news, we're getting whatever crap executives think will pull in the most viewers. Here in Memphis, the unsuspecting public is subjected to endless updates on the alligators spotted in a local lake and how they may or may not kill everyone who comes near the water. Why is there a news team that has the time and effort to report on something like this? Because there are too many news teams. Dear, dear, dear.

(By the way, the reporter whose picture I have used to illustrate this point does not fall into the typical local-news-category. I love her. Just, FYI.)

Individually Wrapped Pre-Cooked Rice Krispies Treats

Look. I know they're good. I know they're convenient. I know no one has time to make their own Rice Krispies Treats anymore... But don't you think it's a sad statement on the world we live in that even our traditional homemade delicacies are prepackaged nowadays? And what? We're using them as fundraiser material? Snap, Crackle, and Pop deserve better than that, people. Sounds like we may have a few too many food factories lying about...

EXCLUSIVE! Infant Television Network Confirmed First Sign of the Apocalypse!

Yes, humble reader, it is true. The end is nigh. Forget cats giving birth to litters of snakes; much worse was the news the O.P. received yesterday. Through the crafty handiwork of Satan, a new television network has emerged, designed to corrupt the only demographic still thought to be pure of mind and spirit: the 3 and under crowd. Never mind that there is now conclusive proof that television can be blamed for those kids in your first grade class who can't sit still and fail their math tests. Or that doctors recommend no television for children under 2 (encompassing 2/3 of this network's target demographic).

No, in this overpopulated day and age, the only thing that matters is that every hopeful network executive get a chance to fulfill his dream, even if it means destroying developing brains. Any future children of mine are going to enter kindergarden maladjusted and come home with a severe inferiority complex because their mother won't let them watch anything but old episodes of "Mr. Roger's" and "Sesame Street" that she bought off eBay. But I don't care. The alternative is just too horrible to imagine. Now let us pray...

The Canadians Are Coming!

So, last night I was watching "The Daily Show" (my most trusted source of news...no, really) and saw a report filed by ace investigator Jason Jones. Forget the problems of illegal Mexican immigration into the United States, there are people who are actually concerned about the Canadians. As in, they sit on the U.S./Canadian border and watch for illegals to come across. As in, what the hell? As in, the throngs of non-clear-thinking individuals (particularly in America) has obviously sky-rocketed to unmanageable numbers. Why, Human Population? Why?

This Week in Crazy Statistics...

Last week on my lunch break, I ran across a science almanac at a book store which I could not pass up because it was cheap and I'm a nerd. So I thought, hey, why not use my hump day blog entries on fun science facts! Yes! I can only imagine your inability to contain your excitement. This way, every Wednesday I will be able to distract you from the sad fact that you still have two full days of work until the weekend by introducing you to facts and figures so alarming you won't be able to think of anything else. I know, I'm too good to you guys!

This week in pollution...12 million people die every year from "poor sanitation and unclean water." 12 million! That's the country of Belgium. Or the combined populations of the United States' twelve least populated states. Good God. As if that wasn't enough, 3 million more die from air pollution. That's more than the population of Paris. Now, don't you feel enlightened? I'll be you can't wait until next week! :)

Oh, for the love of God!

I heard on the radio yesterday that the Lifetime network has begun pre-production on a made-for-TV movie on the life and times of Fantasia, that third season Idol winner who had one hit that was so non-memorable I can't even think of what it is right now. I might as well call this The Stupid Entertainment Projects That Serve As Definitive Proof of Overpopulation Blog (but that's a bit cumbersome). When I think about how many people are going to get a paycheck from this undertaking, I get very sad.

Stop with the unnecessary sequels already!

I realize that I just did an entry on an unnecessary sequel but come on!! GARFIELD 2?! I'm pretty sure you didn't see the first one. I'm pretty sure you don't even know anyone who saw the first one. I guess the newly created field of digital animation is already completely overpopulated, or else crap like this wouldn't be churned out to keep people happily employed. Seriously. I'm kind of disgusted.

Off Topic: The Beale Street Music Festival!

Actually, I could probably blame the lack of bands I'm interested in seeing this year on the overwhelming number of bands festival organizers had to choose from (overpopulation), but I'm taking a break for the weekend. For the next three days, I am officially not interested in human population problems. Instead, I am going to be happily standing in the rain (sober, due to my duties as driver) with thousands of other people gleefully destroying the lawn in Tom Lee Park, and probably my shoes in the process. And I am psyched! Peace out, fools! Catch you on the flip side...

Oh, yes. And Happy Cinquo de Mayo!

Analysts!

Who ARE these people? WHAT do they do? Why are there SO MANY of them? They are everywhere, telling us everything we never wanted to know about the driest material on the face of the planet. Oh, God. Maybe I'm one.

Voter Turnout: Not So Great!

Just a contrived excuse to post a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal? Of course not! Yesterday was primary day here in M-town and, well, er, I did not vote. I'm a bad citizen. But it was because I forgot, which I consider to be more valid than the standard why-vote-when-it-doesn't-really-count excuse. Of course it counts (Democrats in Florida notwithstanding)! It just counts a tiny, tiny bit! This decrease in your personal influence can be blamed on the usual suspect (starts with "o," ends in "verpopulation"), but that doesn't mean you shouldn't vote! On the contrary, it would appear that the group responsible for the best voter turnout is the one who doesn't think about how little their opinion counts (i.e. conservatives; it's in their nature to overestimate their importance...I think that's a religious thing), and the thing is, they don't do a very good job of electing people. Jake agrees with me. Screw overpopulation. Let's hit the polls.

WTF Moments in Local Editorials!

Prophecy Girl responds:

Dude. DUDE. First of all, I appreciate your newfound "interest" the subject matter of this "blog." I graciously "acknowledge" your "support" of my endeavors. Secondly, however, I have not actually read this "letter to the editor" of which you speak, but I'm fairly certain "no one" puts the word "overpopulation" in "quotes." Plus, um, you can't just pull a "totally random" example out of your "ass" and expect it to hold up as a "valid argument." What are these "numbers?" What is this about 4 people "living" in a room with 17 "empty" rooms between them? "WHAT?!" And why would we all "move to Texas?" You get our second ever "Blacklist Award" for your insane troll "logic," and for completely missing the "point" about "overpopulation" (it's less about "plots of land" for "people" to live on and more about the "resources" needed to "sustain" us all). Yeah. Just...no.

Skinny Jeans!

Right about the time man stopped being nomadic, fashion was born. It was a profitable and creative business for roughly 10,000 years. But sometime around the year 2000, the sheer volume of designers across the planet resulted in the realization that every possible fashion statement had already been made. So the rehashing began. A mere 6 years later, all the good rehashing had been done and humans were forced to revisit ideas that were very bad to begin with. No one looks good in skinny jeans. NO ONE. Let's not support this new (old) trend.

The Fast and the Furious...3?!

Now don't get me wrong; The Fast and the Furious was a good movie. But after the disaster that was 2 Fast 2 Furious (which was just dumb), I find it quite difficult to believe that anyone would greenlight a third installment of this franchise (this time sans Vin and Paul? what?). So there are that many people desperate to make movies? Be in movies? Sell movies to a lukewarm public? Yeah, we just do not need The Fast and the Furious 3 and wouldn't be dealing with it if there weren't a few too many people in the film industry

In other news, in a strange metatextual twist, this blog spawned over the weekend. Yes, when this sucker dies, true to patterns of exponential growth, there will be two more blogs ready to take its place. I realize it's possible I need some sort of serious medical help.