EXCLUSIVE! Infant Television Network Confirmed First Sign of the Apocalypse!

Yes, humble reader, it is true. The end is nigh. Forget cats giving birth to litters of snakes; much worse was the news the O.P. received yesterday. Through the crafty handiwork of Satan, a new television network has emerged, designed to corrupt the only demographic still thought to be pure of mind and spirit: the 3 and under crowd. Never mind that there is now conclusive proof that television can be blamed for those kids in your first grade class who can't sit still and fail their math tests. Or that doctors recommend no television for children under 2 (encompassing 2/3 of this network's target demographic).

No, in this overpopulated day and age, the only thing that matters is that every hopeful network executive get a chance to fulfill his dream, even if it means destroying developing brains. Any future children of mine are going to enter kindergarden maladjusted and come home with a severe inferiority complex because their mother won't let them watch anything but old episodes of "Mr. Roger's" and "Sesame Street" that she bought off eBay. But I don't care. The alternative is just too horrible to imagine. Now let us pray...