"Date My Mom!"

I could have made this entry a blanket statement on MTV's host of reality shows, but I figured why waste future opportunities ("My Super Sweet 16" comes to mind)? I consider "Date My Mom" to be one of the worst offenses in overpopulation history. Single-handedly, it offers undeniable proof that there are: too many TV networks, too many reality shows, too many people willing to be on television for any asinine reason, and too many people watching television if stuff like this continues to be on the air. The existence of this show is painful to me.

Google!

This is an example of overpopulation done good. In the midst of the overwhelming plethora of information available for consumption on the internet (from people just like you and me!), Google can justify your existence. Like, say, if you Googled "Overpopulation Blog", this silly little blog would be first on the list. Hey, I exist!! :)

Oooh, History Lesson: Thomas Malthus

(Credit for this goes to my Uncle Mike.)

Apparently some people are perceiving this blog as a way of expressing my dislike of people in general (*cough*Alex*cough*). Not true, I tell you. Pretty much everything I write should be taken with a grain of salt. I have some pent-up frustration regarding what I see as decline in several arenas of our global community, but a) I'm pretty much an idiot; b) no one listens to me; and c) yeah, I'm an idiot. As my mother would say, "Opinions are like assholes."

Anyway, the dapper stud in the sketch above is none other than Thomas Malthus, whom I learned about in ecology class and then promptly forgot about until I was urged to Google him last night. Now this dude DID have some issues with people in general, because he was all about stopping the lower classes from having so many children. Ideas like this are not the best way to instill admiration from me, but he did have some good points on human population growth and food supplies. And this was in 1798 when there were far fewer people and most of them were shorter and thinner than they are today. So, go Malthus for beating me to the punch by like 200+ years.

Three Hundred Million Americans!!

Sometime in the vicinity of October, somewhere amongst the amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesty, America will welcome citizen number 300 million. THREE HUNDRED MILLION. We net one person in this country every 14 seconds. I think Gerber's throwing some shindig but I didn't have time to get the scoop on this (every once in a while I have to do things at work that actually lead to a paycheck...I consider my source (Dad) to be more reliable than most internet news organizations anyway).

We're not going to be celebrating here at The OP Blog, though (that would be the royal "we"). Oh, no. It's not that we don't like babies, we just don't like the number 300,000,000. Unnatural number of zeroes, don't you think? That's a lot of America for the world the absorb, no matter how cute that Gerber kid is.

Capitalism Gone Awry: Big Oil

This is the first in a new series that will explore why and how overpopulation sometimes ruins parts of capitalistic societies.

Take Big Oil.

I am very mad that I'm having to pay $30 to fill up my wussy car every week while this doofus is getting $400 million just for retiring (from a company that is charging me $30 a week for gas). Um, no. Also, an analyst interviewed on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams (I predict a blog entry on "analysts" in the near future) suggested that consumers have only themselves to blame for rising prices because they are the ones creating the demand. Well, I'm demanding that analyst shut the hell up because it's not like we have any alternatives.

Everyone seems to be blaming everyone else for the sky-high prices, but really it's just because there are too many people on earth. So many, in fact, that we've seemingly become powerless in the face of abuse by certain large corporations that have rendered us completely dependent on the product they supply.

This has been an example of Capitalism Gone Awry.

Since that wasn't light-hearted at all, here's something to lift your spirits from The Gilded Moose. JT pretty much always cracks me up.

Condoms Graced By Papal Infallibility!

So many people have fallen victim to AIDS that Pope Benedict is pondering the effectiveness of condoms in containing the spread of this disease. Sugar coat this anyway you want, but the bottom line is that the POPE is talking BIRTH CONTROL!!! Like they said in that movie, "Jesus, Joseph, and doggy-style Mary!"

Snakes on a Plane!

The inevitable has finally happened. So many movies have been made that filmmakers have literally run out of titles.

(I award bonus points to Kenan Thompson for looking so hilariously disturbed in this production photo.)

Elvis Impersonators!

30,000 of them! THIRTY THOUSAND!

Bearproof Dumpsters!

This one's a gimme. When there's so many of us we're forced to live well into bear territory, inventions like this become a necessity (because bears oh-so-love our tasty pizza).

A New Starbucks Every 5 Hours!

Dammit. I thought I was going to get away with blowing off overpopulation today, but then I had to go and watch 60 Minutes. Somewhere in the world, a new Starbucks opens every 5 hours. Also, the corporate headquarters employs people who treat coffee like wine snobs treat wine, talking about flavors and textures and shit. Come on! Are there really that many humans on earth?! This problem maybe more severe than I originally thought...

Lazy Sunday.

I'm just going to phone it in today and let Gary Trudeau do my work for me. We seem to have a similar fear of Republican birthrates going up. Too bad I can't figure out how to make this bigger so you can actually read it. Try going here.

If I got anyone excited with my title, I'm sorry (god, I didn't even put in the effort to come up with an orginial title). I'll try to work in some SNL humor later in the week. Until then, I'm just going to apologize for the patheticness of this post and blame it on overpopulation. That's generally what I like to do.

Happy Earth Day!

I took the Earth Day Footprint Quiz and found out that if everyone lived like me, we'd need 6.1 planets!

Apparently, aside from using my mediocre blogging skills, I'm not really doing anything to aid in the preservation of our planet. I really thought I was doing better than that. Damn.

(Thank you, Megan, for sending me the link. I know you have mixed feelings about aiding and abetting my many internet crusades. I probably do need help of some sort.)

The completely useless word "defenestrate!"

From dictionary.com:
defenestrate
v : throw through or out of the window; "The rebels stormed the palace and defenestrated the President."

Ha! What idiot thought up that example sentence? Probably the same one who thought up the word. I think we may have a problem with the number of people who make up words (and example sentences). We really don't need "defenestrate," so stop using it.

Avian Flu!

It's not a huge threat yet (yet), but we all know about it. Too many people are hyping it (too much media influence), though too much human contact could easily lead to the deadly strain we all fear (I could really get into how the whole human/bird contact thing comes from overpopulation, but I don't want to get that serious about it...depression factors you know, plus the alienation of my small audience). That would be too bad.

Basically, if it happens, the virus will have a lot of potential host material. So, I probably wouldn't be writing this blog anymore which kind of sucks because what else am I supposed to at work?

Sci-Fi Conventions!

I think this one kind of explains itself.

Traffic lights!

They're pretty much the sole reason I'm two minutes late to work every morning (trust me, it has nothing to do with me oversleeping). Let's face it. We wouldn't have to deal with these annoying signals if we all rode horses to work in the morning. But overpopulation means there are TOO MANY PEOPLE ON EARTH FOR EVERYONE TO HAVE A HORSE! True, six billion horses would create an entirely different set of problems (and most likely require a separate blog), but traffic lights would not be one of them. Also, there would be a decrease in air pollution.

The Tomkitten.

(This one doesn't deserve an exclamation point.)

Dear Tom and Katie,
You're either part of the problem or part of the solution. And in so many ways, you are most definitely part of the problem.
Always,
Your friends at The Overpopulation Blog

Oh, who am I kidding? They have no friends here. As if the addition of another celebrity baby wasn't bad enough (we've got too many already), conclusive proof of an overstaffed media has arrived in the form of the stupidest baby nickname in known history. Since TomKat is definitely not a friend of this blog (reproducing and all), they are getting my first ever Blacklist Award (so demeaning it requires a font change). Damn you, TomKat! Why can't you be more like Matt Damon?!

P.S. The only way TomKat will be de-Blacklisted is if the Tomkitten inherits Katie's supernatural mouth-opening abilities. Our successors are going to need this type of superior gene make-up.

Air traffic pretty much mind-blowing!

Above is a depiction of one day's worth of air traffic over the United States. Actually, I can't think of anything glib to say about this one because mainly I'm just frightened. That's right, pal. All those tiny aqua nuggets are individual airplanes. Stick that in your peace pipe and smoke it.

Matt Damon agrees with me!

About the only thing I can think not to blame on overpopulation is the number of people who are concerned about overpopulation. It seems disproportionately low...but tonight, megastar Matt Damon joined me in my crusade. That's right, if you weren't watching PBS earlier, you're a big LOSER. Of course, Matt's take on human population growth was less, "Man, The Pussycat Dolls suck and it's all because there's a billion people in India," and more, "You're probably not going to want to have children after watching this because that is how seriously fucked our planet is." But we all do what we can.

Microsoft Outlook requires 24-hours of training!

In keeping with today's theme of disappointment in the world job market, I present the ridiculous fact that Microsoft makes an office management program so complex that one (say, me) has to complete 3 8-hour training sessions in order to be deemed proficient. Also in keeping with the previously-mentioned serf-theme, I present a nostalgic look back at the days of the Domesday Book, when a single volume listed all the important contacts in Britain, along with their business details. Oh, overpopulation. I wish you wouldn't make me take stupid computer classes.

I can't choose a career!

Remember the good old days when you grew up knowing you were going to be a shoemaker because your dad and your dad's dad and every other generation of your family were shoemakers? And then your job had purpose because you were the only person in your village who knew how to make shoes? No longer! Overpopulation has pretty much ruined the job market by necessitating into existence lots of jobs that are boring and/or stupid. Sure, now we've got that whole "free-will" thing going for us, but with all the options out there, how could one possibly choose? And really, what could ever compare to the satisfaction of dressing the feet of an entire community?

Pandas not yet extinct!

Sure, our swelling numbers diminished the natural habitat of these charming animals, but let's face it. They're pretty much an evolutionary dead-end. However, instead of bowing out of existence gracefully, pandas have become China's most popular gift! They're in all the fun zoos...and having some inside knowledge on the goings-on behind closed doors, I must say the zoo industry is swelling itself. With people who know about and do research on pandas. It's big business, people. I'd say we've got too many zoologists running around.

Nick Lachey has quasi-hit single!

Have you heard "What's Left of Me?" Obviously, the world is host to far too many Nick Lachey fans. This also raises the interesting point that if Nick is famous, there are too many famous people.

There are more Peeps than Americans!!

According to this morning's Commercial Appeal, an estimated 800 million Marshmallow Peeps "will be consumed around Easter this month." That's a lot of Peeps. In my research to come up with a suitable picture, I discovered that there is an Official Marshmallow Peeps Website. I say that means there are too many people on earth who like Peeps. I regret to report that I am not one of them.

New Tax Regulations Over 66,000 pages!

Too many people paying taxes. Too many people writing tax laws.

Movie attendance...doesn't make sense!

If we take a look at the top movies of 2006 so far, we may be surprised to see who is leading the pack. The only obvious explanation is that overpopulation has struck again. Mediocre films now have enormous audiences! And don't pretend like you didn't go see Failure to Launch. The numbers don't lie.

First real post!

Case in point: my blog url. Apparently overpopulation.blogspot.com AND toomanypeople.blogspot.com were already taken! I could have most definitely had one of my first two choices were there not TOO MANY PEOPLE ON EARTH.

What is this?

SHAMELESS LIBERAL PROPAGANDA...WITH JOKES!